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Get Inside My Head

Saturday, February 09, 2002

JKB

Lord, the love we have from You is patient, it is kind, it does not envy; love does not boast, it is not arrogant, it does not behave rudely; it does not seek its own, it is not easily provoked, it keeps no record of wrongs; it does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; it bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails.

I Corinthians 13:4-7

John,

Forgive me my lack of eloquence in writing this, if only because I find it so strange to talk about you in the past tense. I know that I am guilty of having put our friendship in the past...of having placed immeasurable distance between us, of having thought of you from time to time but never putting those thoughts into words or actions. Yet the finality of your passing is so incomprehensible to me; the words sound sour and strange in my mouth when I speak of it, like I am talking about someone I never knew, someone far removed from my life, my community. It is so difficult to think of this pain and suffering, this tragedy, this loss, having been placed upon you--you who I remember so well as the healthy, beautiful man you were just beginning to become. I think of you, and my memories are of AP Chem marathon labs after school, JETS and Applebees, ICQ...how you were known for your ego, how you were ALWAYS drinking out of your water bottle. You were so smart, so talented, so funny...so many things, with so much potential. I know now, too, how strong you were--how strong you must have been--to have fought a battle I can't even begin to imagine. I never saw that side of you...maybe the best side...but thinking back now, I know if anyone could have had faith in the face of such adversity, such immense injustice, it had to have been you.

I have always been one to struggle with my spirituality and my beliefs. When I learned the news last night, I admit I felt such anger at God. I still do, to some degree. How could He put you through an ordeal so brutal? You, who were so devoted in your beliefs, who was such a good, decent person, who had his entire life ahead of him. You called it a trial, but I couldnt help but think, wasn't the price you had to pay too high? I haven't found any solid answers yet, but after thinking about it all night, this morning I felt a sense of peace and renewed hope. I don't know what God's plan is for any of us, or what our purpose here is, but I feel in my heart that you are somewhere better out there. Your faith never wavered, despite obstacles that would have made disbelievers out of us weaker souls long before. You are in so many ways an example to us all; I look up to you, and I hope that, should I ever be tested, I will have even one half the strength of character you displayed.

There are innumerable things I wish I could have said to you, and I write this now with a heart filled with regret. But I want to thank you, John, for teaching me, although you may not have known it, about how to live life. I look at all of the stubborn disagreements and petty arguments in my life now, and they seem so inconsequential. You've given me perspective on what is important in the time we're given. I'm sorry that I was never there for you when times were hardest for you, and I'm sorry that I let pride get in the way of our friendship. In the brief time that our lives crossed paths, you left an indelible mark on me, as I know you must have done with everyone else who had been fortunate enough to have known you. The world was a better place because you graced it with your light; it is that much colder now that you are gone. You will live forever in the hearts of those you touched...you will always, always be in mine. Rest in peace, John King Brennan.

posted 2/9/2002 08:03:09 PM

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